Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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