i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
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he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
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She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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