jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
