i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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