fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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