Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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