this just has baby written all over it
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't deserve a penis
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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