I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Randomize
