Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
