remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You have to summon your inner elephant
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
