I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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