My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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