i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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