I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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