Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
false alarm, still single
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
