I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
