Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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