I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
