Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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