Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
