well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, beer. Big fan.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
