If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
