woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
