I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
