The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
