I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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