omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
