If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
