When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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