I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
