i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
