He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
