My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
