found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
