Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
