Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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