saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
