I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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