That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
