I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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