We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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