He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
