I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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