Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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