My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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