Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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