apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
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It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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