Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
