We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
