How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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