I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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