he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that