Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
